Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
