waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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