I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
