i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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