After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
