I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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