I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
third nipple confirmed
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
