well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
