i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
