I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The air was thick with penises
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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