now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
We had sex on a dog bed..
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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