And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
