i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
