I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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