i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
