Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
