Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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