best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
