I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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