Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
