tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
