i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
