So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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