Betty ford says i'm here all night
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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