only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
