Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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