Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
