I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
