Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
