I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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