just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
