we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
