I'm so fucking centered right now
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
