Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
