Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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