I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
