Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I yelled at your uterus for you.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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