i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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