thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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