I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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