I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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