I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
