how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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