The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
