quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
