I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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