Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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