I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
