We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
