I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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