we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
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