yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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