Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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