the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
