who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
