At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
